i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
