I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
