my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
