First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
