You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
