Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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