this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize