You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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