I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
