i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
