i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
