girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize