Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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