I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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