it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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