You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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