he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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