well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
