I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
