i think my mom watched the whole time
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize