What a fucking waste of an outfit
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
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