oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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