I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
