Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize