you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
