dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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