Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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