In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
