Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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