It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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