Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
