apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
