Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
