Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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