Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
