her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
