Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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