No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
