I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
