At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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