There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
