i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
