If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
