I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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