Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
