overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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