um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
