how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
