Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
