Whatcha textin bout Willis?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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