you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
