i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
