And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
