a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Let's get the cat blown out
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
