I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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