I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize