Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
