420 ftw
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
