I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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