i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
