I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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